My apologies for posting so late today, but I had to participate in this contest from Brenda Drake Writes. Sick kids home from school- you understand, right?
Here's the first line of my paranormal romance, WAYS TO FALL.
My small lantern—one of many things Mother had salvaged from the Outside world—made a halo of light around my feet.I'm looking forward to exchanging crits with you guys! Thanks!
I'm hooked because I want to know where they are. I like the last description as well, "made a halo of light around my feet."
ReplyDeleteThe only thing that makes me question is the "one of many things..." I'm thinking it might only be a few things instead. Then it makes the lantern more valuable, precious...just my thoughts on that.
I'd want to read more.
Ok, this one I like.
ReplyDeleteNice and clean, not cluttered with unnecessary adjectives and adverbs, it intrigues AND sets the scene.
Good job.
This is a very intriguing. The "made a halo of light around my feet" is a great way to describe the scene.
ReplyDeleteGood job, I look forward to reading more.
Nice! Now I want to know what the outside world is. I like it. Great job!
ReplyDeleteSorry, I tried and tried to poke a hole in it, but I can't. It's a good first line. Now where's the second? You're so mean. ;)
ReplyDeleteGreat job on this. I could see splitting it into two sentences - that the lantern was one of the few things her mother had salvaged and putting that it was casting a halo of light in the second sentence because it seems less significan there. But it also works as it stands
ReplyDeleteOooh, I'm intrigued by the "Outside" world. Nice.
ReplyDeleteI really think you have very intriguing things here! What if you punch it up...
ReplyDeleteThere were few Mother salvaged from the Outside world.
Idk! Sounds very cool
Supposed to say...few things Mother...ooops!
ReplyDeleteThanks everybody! This is really fun:)
ReplyDeleteI really like this first line. I stopped by for the blogfrest and decided to follow.
ReplyDeletebethfred.com
oh wow - I really like this line. I have nothing that I could change. VERY interesting!!
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Corinne
I really like this - it raises so many questions. Like, what's the Outside world, and what is the world our character is in? And why is the lantern lit, and where is our character going. Very cool!
ReplyDeleteI really like the middle of the sentence. The outside world. Definitely have me intrigued by that. Good job!
ReplyDeleteThanks Sarah:) I've rewritten it only about a hundred times. Not kidding.
ReplyDeleteGreat hook! I'd keep reading!
ReplyDeleteOne word change...maybe switch "made" into "cast"?
Christi Corbett
Nice! I especially love the title, too.
ReplyDeleteHi Kristi and K.- thanks for coming over and commenting:)
ReplyDeleteK.- I've gone through 3 *meh* titles before finding one I love. Thanks:)
Sounds good! I hope you got it subbed in time. This is very intriguing!
ReplyDelete